Depression & How God Saved Me From It: My Testimonial

Hey everyone, as I’m sure you can tell, today I will be going over a sensitive subject for a lot of people, and for myself personally. I’ve put writing this testimonial off for nearly 3 years now, due to my fear that people will learn not only that I suffered from depression at one point, but they’ll also learn a little about how bad it was for me. So, not only will I be talking a little about depression, and my experiences with it, but I will end this blog post on a positive note: I’ll tell you all how I came to God with my depression, and how He personally saved me from it. So, without further fear and ado, let’s dig in.

What is Depression?

Well, first off, I figure it would be best if I described what depression is for anyone lucky enough to not know. A lot of people have a general idea of what depression can do and be, but I feel it might be different for those who actually live through it. Regardless, this seems like the perfect way to start this journal regarding my own journey with depression.

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines depression as “an act of depression or a state of being depressed: such as a) a state of feeling sad: low spirits: melancholy. Specifically: a mood disorder by varying degrees of sadness, despair, and loneliness and that is typically accompanied by inactivity, guilt, loss of concentration, social withdrawal, sleep disturbances, and sometimes suicidal tendencies.”

A Mental State vs An Emotion

Merriam-Webster does a pretty decent job at describing depression. However, I find it interesting that it says it’s a “mood disorder”. Most people think and feel that depression is a feeling. It certainly has feelings that are attached to it, as described in the definition above, however, after suffering from it for most of my life, I can tell you this much: Depression is a Mental State more than it is an Emotion.

Because while suffering from depression, you can still feel happiness, joy, elation, exhilaration, and all other good feelings that “normal” people do. That means, it’s not just one emotion, but rather a state of being that your mind resides in. If it were simply an emotion alone, you would not be able to leave that emotional state if you suffered from depression chronically, as I once did.

Some Effects While Suffering Through Depression

You might be thinking, “Okay, so you were sad all the time. Big deal.” Well, when that is your entire being, it is a big deal, if I’m to be honest. You see, depression is a downward spiral of despair. And breaking out of that spiral is near impossible without outside help. And since how you typically feel an untenable load of guilt, among other deep feelings, getting outside help to break you out of that spiral, is not an easy task.

It does not help too, that those with depression are looked upon as people who are “off”, or “mentally unstable”. It also doesn’t help when you’re afraid that the government will not allow you to exercise your full rights, due to how depression can be a catalyst for worse things. There certainly is a massive stigma surrounding depression and it’s effects on those suffering from it, and that stigma only intensifies the downward spiral that you’re already stuck within. The other part of the stigma, is that people look at you as if you’re simply seeking attention and sympathy to scam them of money or possessions… All in all, you’re stuck between a rock and a hard place while suffering through depression, and the outlook is never favorable to you.

Anyhow, that downward spiral will have you overthinking every single move you make, every word you speak, and everything you do and don’t do on a daily basis. You are exhausted mentally, and physically, and you feel guilty for being so. You want to do things, but feel incredibly bad, so you end up not doing those things. You want to feel good, but you don’t do anything for fear of messing up, making things worse, and therefore feel bad. It’s never ending, this Downward Spiral of Despair, as I like to call it. And if you do have a good day, you’re typically left with anxiety, about when the “other foot” will inevitably drop.

You feel worthless, like a burden, not “normal”, sad, afraid, unable to communicate to those whom you love, afraid to open up, not seen, not heard, not felt, a void that should not be, unable to sleep, withdrawn, and above all else, completely and utterly misunderstood and lost. You know things could be worse for you, and you want to be better, but it doesn’t help. There is of course more, but even putting words to these feelings is difficult… even after breaking free from the Downward Spiral of Despair.

How I Endured Depression

My fight with depression began early on in my life. I remember as early as first grade, feeling that weight of the Spiral. I was too young to put words to it, but looking back, I can see clear as day, that I was already suffering under it’s weight. It wasn’t until third grade, that I finally had a name to go along with all the feelings I was enduring: Depression.

By third grade I was completely withdrawn. I had zero friends in school, and was bullied on a daily basis. Heck, one time a student in class hated me so much in third grade, that when I passed her desk after handing in a paper to the teacher, she got up, came behind me, and smashed my head into my desk before I could sit back down. She started beating on me, right in front of the entire class, teacher and all. To say I was withdrawn is an understatement. I was already in zombie mode, if you will, by this point in my early life.

However, after that particular incident, I had to spend time with the school counselor. That’s when I started to discuss what I was feeling and it is also when I was diagnosed with depression. I felt a little relief at knowing what I was dealing with, but I was still completely unequipped to fight it off. After a few weeks of talking about my feelings, and being told to “ignore the bullies” and things like that (which didn’t help by the way. If you’re being bullied, stand up to that bully. That’s the only way the bully will stop bullying you. I learned this later on in life, and that story is for another time.), I learned that if you tell counselors what they want to hear (things like, “I’m feeling happy today!”), they’ll eventually leave you alone. And so, I was left to my own devices once more…

My Testimonial on How God Saved Me From Depression

Fast forward to the year 2020. What a year that was, am I right? Well, for me, it was truly a unique year, and one of many blessings. However, just before 2020, in December of 2019, I attended a photography workshop, with 19 other photographers, and learned more about dealing with depression, than I did about running a photography business.

During this workshop, the coach, explained in detail about the Downward Spiral that I had endured for my entire life up to that point, and he explained some ways in which you can break free of that Spiral. He also explained quite well that you’re meant to be here. Just look at the stars and the world around you. God looked at this world, and saw that it needed YOU. You could have been a rock, or a leaf, or a bug, or a dog, or anything else. But God said, nope, I need YOU here in My world.

And after hearing that, and experiencing that workshop, it truly started the shift for me towards God. And because 2020 was the year of lockdowns, I had nothing else to do with my time, except for to work on myself. I worked on learning more about myself than I ever had before, and I learned to truly trust in God. But that trust didn’t come easily, and to be honest, it’s still something I am figuring out to this very day. But, I honestly believe God led me to that workshop so I could learn all I did about myself, and therefore figure out that I needed to come to Him.

And in 2020, it finally happened. God saved me from my depression. You might think, “That’s it? How did He save you!?” Well, no, that’s not it. But, at the same time, it is it.

But here’s how it roughly happened. I was feeling pretty low. Money was tight because we lost so many weddings due to the shutdowns and the fear of covid. We were trying to save for a house and I felt it may never come. We were living with my in laws, and it was rough because we were in a small room in their basement. Everything in life was uncertain, and I felt more like a burden than ever before.

And then it hit… One day, I just woke up and kept feeling and thinking: “This world would be better off without you in it. Why are you even struggling anymore? Death is the end of your suffering and everyone won’t have to worry about you and your nonsense anymore.” There was no particular reasoning for these feelings and thoughts. To this day, I still cannot recount anything that set me in this particular mood, but they were there. And, I knew in my heart that they were not thoughts of truth, or of what I truly wanted.

Most people don’t know that their loved ones are suffering silently, until it is too late. If you’re ever feeling suicidal, please seek help, not only from those around you, but from God too. You are MEANT TO BE HERE! You are meant for more and God loves you, no matter what dirty deeds you may have done in the past.

But this time while dealing with these thoughts and feelings, I could feel it “in my bones” if you will, that if I didn’t truly shake this depression, that it would truly be the end of me. It’s a feeling that once you get it, you just know. I can’t explain it otherwise. But knowing, deep in my bones as I did, I knew that it would be the end of me, should I not seek out help.

So I did something I never had done before. I took a shower, mainly so I could have some privacy, and I wept. I should mention here that I had been unable to cry for over 2 years at this point. A lot of people suffering from long term depression are so numb to their sadness, that they become unable to cry. I was there. And I fell to my knees and I cried out to God.

“God! I know you’re there! I know you’re real! But, I cannot do this anymore. God, I have tried everything that man has said to do for curing this depression. I have tried the medications, I have tried the therapies, I have tried the self-help books and techniques. I have tried relying on others, and I have tried to cure this myself… All of them have not worked! The ONLY thing I have not tried, is coming to you Lord. God, I need you now more than I have ever needed you in my entire life! I can feel it in my bones, that if You cannot heal me of this depression, that it will truly be the end of me. Please God, heal me of this depression. Only you can do it. Please.”

I wept and I wept. It was like I had to get all the tears out of my system from the last two years. And then I felt peace. A peace that surprised me and made me acutely aware of a difference in my mind. After that shower, it took me several weeks of over-analyzing myself to realize that God had taken it from me, right then, when I pleaded to Him with all my might and will and soul.

After a few months of still no Downward Spiral of Despair taking place, I could tell that God had placed a mental block on my mind. I cannot explain it any other way. Only that He literally placed a wall in my mind, and I cannot access those pathways of thinking any longer. I used to think a certain way, and because of this mental block that God placed for me, I had to relearn how to deal with life and my emotions. I truly felt like a child stumbling through an adult world. And I am still learning this, and I am finally at a place now, where fear is no longer winning out. I am at peace more so now than I have ever been in my life.

And as you may have seen from my past articles, I still experience “normal” sadness. I can feel the full gamut of emotions, and not have everything tinged with the depression state of mind. And for me, that is one of the biggest blessings I have ever been able to experience, and I thank God for this blessing daily.

I truly feel that God has been wishing I would speak about this experience for a while now. But, as I said in the beginning, the fear of doing so has outweighed the calling I was feeling to do so, until now.

In Closing

In closing, I want to leave you with some resources and additional reading, should you wish to dig deeper, below my signature. I want to as well, tell you that the above story could be expanded upon tenfold, easily. It’s hard to write and explain this story with so few words, and after so much time has passed. But I did my best to be as thorough as possible. And finally, I want you to know, that you are not alone. You are wanted and loved, if by no one else, then by me and by God. If people can hate for no reason, then I can love for no reason. I love you for being here, fighting this incredibly difficult fight, called Life. Don’t give up hope. I truly believe there is a reason for each and every one of us here on this beautiful Earth. If you need someone to talk to, please reach out. My inbox is always open.

And finally, I will leave you with this Bible verse as well. It didn’t make sense to me until after this experience, and hopefully it’ll help you too, if you’re struggling.

“And ye shall seek me, and find me, when ye shall search for me with all your heart.” – Jeremiah 29:13 King James Version (KJV)

God Bless you and keep you!
♥ Jess ♥

Resources & Additional Reading

Emotional Healing in 3 Easy Steps

National Institute of Mental Health (NIH)

If you or someone you know is struggling or having thoughts of suicide, call or text the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 or chat at 988lifeline.org. In life-threatening situations, call 911.